Monthly Archives: January 2016

Evangelicals Believe In Santa Claus

Although most Evangelicals would staunchly deny that they believe in Santa Claus, that is simply not true.  I think it is fair to say that most Evangelicals believe that carrying on the tradition of Santa Claus is carrying on a tradition that is a lie.  Even worse, substituting Santa for Jesus is a cardinal sin. But even a cursory examination of an Evangelical’s doctrinal beliefs is sufficient to prove that the god he worships is none other than Santa himself.  Do you doubt what I have written?  Consider these truths:

  1. The evangelical god lives up there somewhere and keeps an eye on everyone, seeking to discover if they are naughty or nice, just like Santa does.  Nice people are those who are nice to their neighbors and naughty people are those who do not make the decision to exercise their free will to believe in Santa.
  2. The evangelical god really likes everybody, even the naughty ones, and will give everyone a gift whether he shows up on the naughty or the nice list, just like Santa does.  The belief that Jesus died for everyone, making salvation accessible to anyone who is willing to use his free will to accept the gift, is exactly what Santa does each Christmas.
  3. The evangelical god is semi-powerful in that he is able to do nice things but not really able to control the evil that is in the world, just like Santa.  Santa runs into all sorts of problems.  From thick fog conditions without Rudolph to malfunctions in his sleigh’s engine to unruly reindeer on Christmas Eve, Santa has his hands full trying to do nice things for the world.  In the same way the Evangelical god is constantly thwarted by his arch-enemy Satan who is able to prevent him from doing what he wants by planting thoughts into the minds of people which keep them from exercising their free will to accept Santa’s free gift of salvation.
  4. The evangelical god really enjoys hearing the prayers of his people, especially those that constantly nag him to give his people more stuff, just like Santa.  Indeed, all Santa ever does is ask people what they want for Christmas.  His only joy in life is giving stuff to people.  Santa loves it when he gets long letters from people listing all of the shiny things they want him to bring for them.  In the same fashion the evangelical god does little more than listen to an endless list of petitions for health, wealth and prosperity.  And, if my understanding of evangelical teaching is correct, all their god really wants to do is give people more stuff.  Sadly, his people often don’t get more stuff because they don’t exercise their free will properly or Satan comes along and spoils the party.
  5. The evangelical god thinks nothing of promoting his own glory, that would be selfishness in the eyes of an Evangelical, and spends all of his time day-dreaming of his true love….the people of earth.  In the same way Santa is the classic epiphany of selflessness.  He never thinks about himself and he has no desire to promote his own glory in any way, shape or fashion.  All he cares about is the sum total  of the individual human beings who walk about the earth.  Oh, he just loves them so much!
  6. The evangelical god gets sad when individual humans do not accept the free gift of salvation he brings to them on Christmas day, but he continues to leave that gift for them anyway.  Santa also loves all human beings so much he would send all of his gift-bearing elves to men even if the men they were sent to brutally murdered them each time they showed up.  Santa is infamous for not “giving up” on people, even though they make him sad when they are naughty.  He knows that if he keeps giving people gifts even  the most hardhearted will eventually be softened and use his free will to accept his gift.  That is what keeps Santa going year after year.  Santa would never shake the dust off his feet and abandon any human being, just like the evangelical god.
  7. The evangelical god loves everyone, whether they are naughty or nice, and has a wonderful plan for them that he can’t possibly bring to fruition because Satan and man’s free will keep getting in the way.  Santa is the same predicament.  He has a plan for niceness all around the world but despite his best efforts every Christmas Eve he is incapable of preventing sin, war, hatred, death and evil throughout the rest of the year.  And, just like the Evangelicals’ god is not the “author of evil,” Santa is never held responsible for his impotency and broken promises.  Every year he promises a boatload of good and happy things and every year the world continues to wallow in its sin.

I have news for you Virginia…..Santa does not exist.  He is an interesting myth and, unlike the Evangelicals, I believe he is a harmless myth when properly taught, but he does not exist.  In the exact same way the god of the Evangelicals also does not exist.  Their belief in him, however, is far from harmless.  It will condemn their souls for eternity.